angelwings626's Blog

... I was as happy as I could be~ an abundance of even more joy has entered my heart and soul!
My youngest and I have F I N A L L Y found a way to co exist in one another's life-sans drama and emotional chaos.
We met yesterday, where we greeted each other with hugs and kisses and lots of holding onto each other...then more kissie face kisses. We laughed and joked and cuddled a bit more-- everything I needed emotionally after such a horrendous beginning to this month of memories ( re: previous blog post )-- and the fact that my sister has pulled her very own drama queen moment-- here we are; Ariana and I, agreeing that the behavior of her sister and mine is unfrigginbelievable-- and what neither of US want to deal with.
Add to that wonderful development... my Beloved Luis, has surprised me with a "road trip"! We are driving up north, just outside of Salt Lake City, Utah-- so I can spend a few days with my mom. Additionally, we'll arrive the day before my birthday, so my mom is BEYOND thrilled. I'll spend time with my niece, who just celebrated her one year wedding anniversary, and her 21st birthday earlier this month. My nephew will hopefully be allowed to come visit his grandma ( my mom ), which means I'll get to give him a hug and a kiss as well! He's already 6'3", and just barely 16 years old. I told him I'll need a ladder if he gets much taller! LOL
Soooooooooo ... I am blissfully aware that these are indeed special and well deserved moments of joy happening in my life. I don't take them, or the people involved for granted-- not for one single second.
Dare I say it? Wooooo Hoooooo !!!

It seems like forever since I last posted a blog. So much in my life has changed, is changing, will change. 

*sighs*

Monday morning, I report to the hospital @ 5:30 a.m. Surgery is scheduled for 7:30. My surgeon informed me that if all goes as planned, it shouldn't take more than two hours. My hospital stay is for at least two days, maybe longer.

I will not EVEN act as if this is "a walk in the park"... far from it. I'm scared. Shit, I'm terrified~ but here's the thing: I've already made my peace with my immediate family, and with Luis's family, too. I even jokingly said to my surgeon: "Just bring me back...that's all I ask. I have someone waiting to be with me for the rest of our lives. I am in love, and he needs me almost as much as I need him." My doctor looked at me and then said: "That's what is different about you-- you are happy. You LOOK very very happy!" To which I said: "Duh!!!" and then giggled my lil butt off.

*beaming a smile a mile wide*

Seriously, I am doing so great physically and emotionally now. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel; the finish line is within my sights now. I just want to cross it, and be the Trina that I am meant to be! Healthy, happy, safe, and at peace ( within myself and the rest of the world ).

DorothyofOz, as y'all know, is my best friend, soul sister, fellow blonde in training, etc., etc. ~ she will be called by Luis the minute I am out of surgery, and in recovery. She will then inform all of YOU of my status. Funny how I am informing you, but have yet to delegate this most important task to her ( as of yet ) ... my chat with her in mere moments will fix that however!  ;-p

I hate saying goodbye... so I'll just end this as I always do with "nite nite, sleep sweet when you go, and you're in my prayers and thoughts--always always.


Your Angel, Sister, Friend, and Mate ( can't forget a special "je t'aime toujours" for my blue soul twin )

xxoo ~trin

I wanted to share a picture of my Father and I. He's been on my mind a lot lately. I went searching and found this particular one. There are many of us, but this one exemplifies the emotions I'm feeling. Whenever I felt small and insignificant, I'd feel his love wrap around me.

I can't be here. I'm hurting, and I'm crying. I haven't felt this much pain... damnit. I'm doing something I never thought I would. I'm at a loss, and I am not strong enough... I swear I don't know that I can recover from this. I miss you all so much already. For those of you with alternative ways to reach me... I just need some time. I feel all of you with me, and because I truly can't reach out and hug any of you, I am holding onto myself. Forgive me for not being the angel I said I was, thought I was. Right now, I am not sure of anything.

I will someday forgive myself for. I have to, if I ever hope to become whole again.


 

My mood: a bit melancholy

This is dedicated to my dance partner, my sensitive twin, my muse, and inspiration. Meet you on the dance floor ...

Hummingbirds are common in my area. I love to wake up before dawn, have a cup of coffee, and as I watch the sunrise, greet so many of them. They are a gift from Heaven. Seals and Crofts sing a lovely tribute to them as well! 

Many of my friends here are going through things that I am trying to comprehend. Seems my circle is getting smaller and smaller. A few have left due to personal reasons, others are adrift out to sea in the waters of confusion. I was told today another has put his status on vacation.
On the eve of my birthday, all I can feel is empathy, sympathy, a sense of loss, as well as hope. But frankly, I just don't know what to say. I will pray for you all, and keep my eternal flame of hope lit- using it as a beacon to shine bright- so that each of you may find your way home. No matter what the outcome, you are all in my heart, and that is where I shall keep you- all the days of my life.

Without all the editing that i normally partake in, and for the fact that sleep eludes me yet, once again- i am going to try to get this out in one go.
Tonight i got a phone call from my girlfriend, June. I heard it in her voice, and whats worse, i felt it before the words came out. something was wrong. terribly wrong. She said it so calmly, so quietly, i thought for sure i had misheard her. so i asked her to repeat it. 'i'm going in for surgery in the morning'. she then told me she had went to the emergency room in excruciating pain. after several hours, pelvic exams, cat scans and ultra sounds, they found the source of her pain: a 7cm growth on her ovary. more tests, more exams. they couldn't say beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was cancerous. so, in their medical opinion, it had been decided that both of her ovaries were going to be removed.
here's the part that completely has saddened me. I just learned from this woman tonight that she is still a virgin. Her faith and her own beliefs have never entertained the idea of being with a man, unless she was married. I have worked with her, gone out to dinner, spent time at her home with her family. we've discussed the men in her life, from her church, but not once, was that subject ever brought up. Not saying it is something one talks of in casual exchanges. but i assumed she had.
so as i fought back the tears, and she was asking me to pray with her, for her, i felt this huge loss. yet, how can one miss something they have never had? she told me tonight that she will never marry now. she believes that by removing these ovaries, she will not be a whole person. i sat there, trying to comprehend. who am i to argue with her beliefs? at the age of 46, would she, if she was to become engaged, even be able to get pregnant? so i am scared. i have my own faith to hold onto. i've said more prayers tonight than i have in a very long time. it is beyond my control- nor do i even want to control something of this magnitude-other than for her to come through this surgery. her health has not been the greatest, and she does not believe in preventative medicine- i know, i know, i've thought the same thing- if she had been seeing a doctor on a regular basis, this 'growth' wouldn't be the size it is, nor would she have been in such pain- that is besides the point- the fact remains that my friend, whom i love dearly, is facing life altering surgery. she is in pain. i am afraid, and yes- all the angels i know are keeping watch over her.

I would travel the thousands of miles to be with you. To hell with the consequences of my actions. I ache for you, I want you, I need you, I love you.

With no regret, but a lot of soul filled pain, I removed a friend from my circle. I am mourning the loss of what could have been, but not what had become. I am loyal to the point of hurting myself. When this toxic waste began choking the air that I breathe, I finally, FINALLY had to let go. What's worse was that I loved him- as I do all of those in my circle. I would have done anything for this person, I considered him my best friend. 

 I found myself in was a quandry. Do I continue allowing my own feelings to be denied, or do I stand up for myself? I chose the latter, and within an instant, discovered that there were conditions attached to his friendship. I can not grow as a person, and face my own demons if I allow such selfishness to rule my world. Even when that said person is my best friend.

I wish no ill harm ( perish the thought ), and I will be sad for a while longer. But I have to be the Angel I am meant to be. That means I have to spread my wings and fly.

Up until about 3 years ago, I did not even know this artist existed-- much less than this particuliar song I'm posting was her only number one hit- in 1979. What I've read about her career is pretty much the same of any artist who has not had the proper exposure. Critics say she was severely under rated, and such a shame too- for her voice is a gift. One of my dearest friends in the world, who lives in South Wales,  mentioned her name, as he had her song playing on his ipod. I asked who is that? He was gobsmacked, and started to chuckle- but realised with my silence I wasn't teasing. He couldn't say enough about Judie. As I said though, due to her career stalling out, the rest of the world outside of the UK, may never get to appreciate her raw talent. So here's my chance for us folks on this side of the pond to listen to this angel's voice.

 

Was accused of being one of these. I wear it well.  

 

 

 

You Don't Miss Your Water ('Til The Well Runs Dry) by Craig David

 

As I sail with you across the finest oceans
On our way to find the key to our emotions
Together we will move the clouds to brighter days
Some people question what I say
Tried to break up you and me
But I know this love between us is growing stronger
You can call me whenever from wherever
Just remember that
I'll be there
Through all the stormy weather
Us break up never
No we'll be together
Forever [Chorus:]
You don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry
But I believe so strongly in you and I
Can somebody answer me the question why
You don't miss your water til the well runs dry As I close my eyes
Sit back while reminiscing
Of when we used to fuss and fight but end up kissing
There may be sad and painful times along the way
But in my heart you'll always be everything and more to me
For I know this love between us is growing stronger
You can call me whenever from wherever
Just remember that
I'll be there
Through all the stormy weather
Us break up never
No we'll be together
Forever [Chorus] For you are always on my mind
You are always on my mind
Girl you know that you
You are always
You are always on my mind
You are always forever [Chorus] You don't miss your water girl no
But I believe so strongly in you and I yeah
Can somebody answer me the question why
Cause you don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry yeah listen
If you ever get the feeling
You wanna play around starting cheating, remember
You don't miss your water 'til the well runs dry

 

Sweetcitywoman~

You are more than just my E.P. Sister. You have a strength and determination to rise above any and all obstacles- and it is something I envy, as well as aspire to become. This song I dedicate to you; it exemplfies all that you are, and what you constantly are telling me, in your sweet sisterly way. I love you, and wanted to publicly thank you for always believing in me, and reassuring me that I could, indeed, stand on my own.

 

 I was searching for something to lift my spirits, and this song just happened to be there on youtube. Mariah Carey has been there, and done that; but her voice is unique and a gift from the Heavens. The lyrics are included in this video, and I know they must have been written for me. 

 

 

 

My mood: very blessed